When it Rains

in Too Serious For Words

A doubly appropriate title as it is actually raining today.

Skip this post if you’re feeling down, or if you are up and don’t want to come down. It’s depressing.

You all know the saying. It’s never just one thing. For me this holiday season is especially stressful. I haven’t worked since June. Book sales are down. That means I’m making many of our presents – which I love to do. Don’t get me wrong the creation process is one of my favorite things. It’s the time crunch that is crazy making.

If it was only that. I’d be fine. But it’s not. I’m being kneecapped by issues my children are having. I should be able to tell them it will get better. Their lives will be happy. Their work will be fulfilling. I can’t. My own struggles with depression make it impossible for me to make it better by telling them to just wait, it will be change.

I can’t go into specifics without betraying confidences. But I have listened and listened and listened some more – to tirades and tears and fears. Despair that life will ever be better. Anger at family members. So much anger. So much hopelessness. Tears from pain I have no power to relieve. I’ve never been so tired, so bone achingly weary. Not from my children. I’d happily listen to them for the rest of my life.

No, I’m weary from my inability to help, to show them how much better life can be. I have no reserves to draw on. No one to stand in my corner. Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful friends who would help if they could. But I haven’t told them how tired I am. And what would they do? What could they do? I have no desire to put the people I love in the same position I’m in now.

So forgive me if I’m not my normal self. If I’m not meeting your expectations. If the blog is late or not very interesting, or both. I’m moving as fast as I can, but I’m just not very fast at the moment.

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

mitchiewitch December 8, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Kate – I have bought all of your Bree books (in one form or another) and will buy future books. I have also suffered from depression. Fortunately only one bout was completely (like cannot get out of bed & function) debilitating – the other times have been that tiredness & gray fog over everything. If your children are all angry & hurting and you feel that you are unable to help them, you might want to consider family therapy. Along with drugs, it worked for me. Hopefully spouse has medical insurance that would cover it. I hope that you have a good holiday season.

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Julie December 8, 2013 at 6:57 am

Not meeting our expectations? Holy freaking crap, who told you that was your job?!

Back the damn bus up, and back it up now. YOU are NEVER responsible for other people’s feelings. That includes persons to whom you have given life.

It WILL and DOES get better. Perhaps not storybook better, but real-life-different better. Wanna know why and wanna know what to tell those who are need? Because we LEARN and we GROW and we meet folks who change our lives and help us be improved versions of our selves.

Be YOU, our most Kewl Kate. And never apologize for this blog again. Actually, stop apologizing all together. None of these conditions/situations are your FAULT. Simply offer love, which I know you have an abundance of. And smile, Babe. You have the most gorgeous smile.

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Lora December 7, 2013 at 11:57 am

First of all, just to cheer you up I’ll admit to mistyping my email address as “@hotTAIL”. The one thing I try to teach my class is that IT GETS BETTER because for a lot of people it does. I grew up, I learned things and got help for depression and it also helped to not have a drug addict beating on me and emotionally abusing me (childhood was NOT the sunniest time of my life) and some days, some whole years are a damn uphill struggle but it will get better. And I’ve been where there’s no hope and I have nothing to give and I hated myself and was ashamed of myself for not being stronger/better/magical and able to fix things for people I loved. I’m with Ainsley on this one. Authenticity is not to be underrated. People who say everything’s easy are lying or else so hopelessly shallow that we would not inspire to be like them. Hugs.

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Kate December 6, 2013 at 9:35 pm

Thank you all so much. Just knowing you all have my back helps so much.

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Judy, Judy, Judy December 6, 2013 at 8:39 pm

Sweetie – I have no expectations and a great deal of respect for you. I’m not going to offer words or try to offer wisdom. Just witnessing your troubles and being willing to listen.

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Skye December 6, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Kate, dear, don’t worry about your blog! We are here, whenever you are available.

As for being so weary, Tell Your Friends! If nothing, just the sharing should help you, and think about how you would feel if the situation was in reverse: you’d want to listen. Even if it can cause dismay from not being able to help. And maybe your friends can help you with even little things, like running an errand so you have more time for your kids or making their presents. I know I would happily clean a friend’s house if they were depressed, because I know how hard it was to even just do a load of laundry when I was alone and depressed.

Not telling your friends is very isolating, which can make your depression worse. Venting can help relieve the pressure and severity of what you are feeling, even though it won’t change the situation or make your feelings go away. As someone who has suffered from depression at varying levels for 3 decades now (and probably off and on since I was 10), and who has been isolated by my own actions and by circumstance, I tell you that just leaning on someone’s shoulder for an hour has been known to lighten the dark clouds that have so often enveloped me.

And if you really don’t feel right about talking to your physically close friends, you can call ME. Actually, you can call me either way. I have your phone number; you may have mine. If you would like me to call you, just say so on your blog or mine, or text me, or whatever you want. I would be glad to be able to do something for you, even if it is just listening to you.

Please take care of yourself. And we’ll be here; we aren’t going anywhere.

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Carol-Ann December 6, 2013 at 5:00 pm

Hugs!

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Kate December 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Thanks Ainsley, Smooches to you too.

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Ainsley Brooks December 6, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Hang in there Babe. It will get better. It usually does. You aren’t alone. You’re human, and there’s a lot of that going around. You’re giving us honest and authentic, which is a rare commodity these days. You’re doing good stuff here. Smooches.

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