A doubly appropriate title as it is actually raining today.
Skip this post if you’re feeling down, or if you are up and don’t want to come down. It’s depressing.
You all know the saying. It’s never just one thing. For me this holiday season is especially stressful. I haven’t worked since June. Book sales are down. That means I’m making many of our presents – which I love to do. Don’t get me wrong the creation process is one of my favorite things. It’s the time crunch that is crazy making.
If it was only that. I’d be fine. But it’s not. I’m being kneecapped by issues my children are having. I should be able to tell them it will get better. Their lives will be happy. Their work will be fulfilling. I can’t. My own struggles with depression make it impossible for me to make it better by telling them to just wait, it will be change.
I can’t go into specifics without betraying confidences. But I have listened and listened and listened some more – to tirades and tears and fears. Despair that life will ever be better. Anger at family members. So much anger. So much hopelessness. Tears from pain I have no power to relieve. I’ve never been so tired, so bone achingly weary. Not from my children. I’d happily listen to them for the rest of my life.
No, I’m weary from my inability to help, to show them how much better life can be. I have no reserves to draw on. No one to stand in my corner. Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful friends who would help if they could. But I haven’t told them how tired I am. And what would they do? What could they do? I have no desire to put the people I love in the same position I’m in now.
So forgive me if I’m not my normal self. If I’m not meeting your expectations. If the blog is late or not very interesting, or both. I’m moving as fast as I can, but I’m just not very fast at the moment.