It’s September 22.
Well duh, Kate, you may say, we know what date it is. Tell us something at least remotely interesting.
They turn thirteen today. Not huge, as far as milestones go, but somehow a big one for me. They are twins of course. The first four months of their lives a blur in my memory. The following eight not much better. With twins I couldn’t hold one without feeling guilty about the other. The cycle of feeding and changing and sleeping seemed never ending. The were both breast and bottle fed, and I cried when the nurse told me that I really shouldn’t prop their bottles on blankets so I could eat dinner while they were.
If you’ve had one baby you know how much they need from their mommies. And daddies too. It seems impossible to find a moment to yourself just to have a shower or a pee without taking care of someone else at the same time. With twins there are no moments alone.
I used to go to my obgyn’s office and the nurses would hold them for a few minutes while I walked outside or sat and chatted. I’d let anyone hold my babies, if only to be relieved of the guilt that came from holding only one at a time. I often held two at once. I nursed two at once. And I do believe I thought I would never be a person unto myself ever again.
And yet here they are. Steady is taller than I am already, taller than his teenage sister. Quicksilver hasn’t passed me by, but he will soon. They are well on their was toward independence. I am well on my way to being a person unto myself again.
And now that they are growing up, taking some distance from me, I’m feeling a little pang. A little loss of the little boys wearing metal bowls as hats. The toddlers that would comfort each other when they were sad. The three-year-olds racing down my mother’s street on their Big Wheels, nearly tipping them over as they turned into her drive.
I don’t regret their growing up. I’m old. Two tired for raising babies now. And I’m surprised to find myself a little sad, thinking of where they will never be again.
My wish? For them both to continue growing tall and strong and true. That they find love and happiness and purpose to their lives. Love you boys, always will.