I hate everything.
I said that to my sister-in-law once and she looked at me like I was crazy, and not in a good way. Like maybe I smelled bad or something. My guess is she has never dealt with depression or feeling like the world is just crap. I have.
I have a friend now, who shall remain anonymous, because I did not get her permission to write about this. I’ll call her Joey and I think I can say she lives in Texas. Near Houston.
Six years ago Joey opened her heart and her family – a husband and three daughters – and adopted a little boy (I think he was two at the time) and his infant sister. Freddy and Leanne. They came from a family where their parents weren’t emotionally of physically available and while they got Leanne out in time to prevent any emotional issues (at least it seems so), Freddy’s needs were neglected for the first couple of years of his life. When he cried no one came to change his diaper or feed him. They were most likely passed out from drugs and alcohol.
From what Joey tells me the research on the kind of damage inflicted by neglect is new, but Freddy is a classic example. He spends all his time frantically trying to get the attention of the adults around him. And not in good ways. He fights, threatens, lies – oh you name anything bad a seven year old is capable of and Freddy has probably done it. He told a girl that if she didn’t give him gum he’d come to her home and rape her. Where did he even hear those words? It wasn’t in his home, that’s for sure. I’m also sure he doesn’t know what they mean but does know they’ll get a pretty powerful response. And that’s just what he’s looking for.
Meanwhile Joey is exhausted from trying to deal with Freddy and her four daughters. The daughters are mostly normal children raised in a loving family. So they fight, and whine and whatever else normal girls do. But their life has been disrupted by Freddy. Where normally they’d go to the fair, or the beach, or the circus, or the movies, or the rodeo together now they have to think twice. Freddy doesn’t do well in public places. Most outings end in disaster. It’s sad really, this poor little boy’s pathological need for attention – for someone to respond to him – is limiting not only his experience of the world but also his four sister’s experience of the world.
And Joey is worn the heck out. It’s an all day, everyday thing, bringing Freddy so he’ll turn out to be a good person and not a repeat of his biological parents.
And that’s why I hate everything today. It’s not fair. My friend has taken on a problem child discarded by his family of birth. She didn’t know he was going to need extra work, but he does and she does it. But she feels inadequate. Nothing seems to work they way it’s supposed to. It’s beating her down and there is nothing I can do to help her besides being her friend and listening to her vent.
It’s not fair. And because it’s not fair I hate it all. I should be able to save my friends. I want to save my friends. I want their lives to be happy and not too stressful. Full of art and fun and whatever fulfills them. And when it doesn’t, well i just hate it.