Brutal Advice from Bitchy Bertha: The Snoopy Girlfriend

in Bitchy Bertha, Entertaining nonsense and profound thought

Dear Bitchy Bertha,

My live-in girlfriend thinks she has a perfect right to go through my personal possessions. She plays with my laptop and my phone, and thinks nothing of going through my pockets and wallet for change. She admits that she sometimes just has a “good old snoop around” because she’s nosy, and the other day I even found her checking my bank statements. This is really starting to unsettle me. I’m not doing anything wrong and don’t have anything to hide, but I do believe that I’m entitled to some privacy. When I get annoyed, she just laughs. How do I get her to realise that she’s seriously overstepping the mark?

Sincerely,

Privacy Deprived

 

Dear Deprived,

It seems to be you have a couple of choices here but here’s the one I like best:

Start snooping through her stuff. Next time she goes through your pockets or gets on your computer take some revenge. Check her bank statement. Make sure she’s watching and take everything out of her purse or bag. Just dump it on the table, pick out the loose change and pocket it. Use her chap stick, try on her mascara. Read all the scraps of paper in her wallet. Eat any odd pieces of candy. Snap up her favorite pen and keep it for yourself.  Pick up her phone and scroll through all the messages. Call random people just to say hi. Take a selfie and send it to all her contacts. If she hasn’t objected yet move on to her computer. Read the emails. Go through the files in her email trash. Post fake facebook statuses. Get into her browser history.

If you take my advice one of two things will happen, either she will get the message and stop snooping, or she’ll get really  mad and break up with you. Either way – you are better off.

Sincerely,

Bertha

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